Sunday, November 30, 2008
She talked to her best friend one night..they sat out in the snow watching the stars. She looked at her and asked her a question..."if that certain guy tried to kiss you even after he hurt you, would you let him?" she just looked at her, and said probably not. When she was asked the same question.She couldn't say the same..she said "I wish I could say that I would do the same...but I don't know if I could have the strength to not let him." She told her that she wasn't mad at him because of him hurting her or moving on. She was hurt because he gave up what he had right in front of him. It was her. She was there all along. She told him so much. She felt like she still had a piece of his heart in her hand. and she doesn't dare let it go. She could never let it go.
She prayed to God to take him out of her heart, mind. and sure enough he hasn't gone away. What he had right in front of him will never be found with someone else. Because it was love. as much as he denied it. The reason it was hard for him to let go. the reason that he still wanted her when he had other choices. the reason he didn't feel the same with anyone else as he did with her. Was because he loved her. What they had wasn't something you can make or just gain.
It was a fire inside them that sparked the first moment she looked into his eyes. That moment she didn't know him, but she wanted to know him. She saw all the beauty in his eyes when she looked at him that night. She nearly lost her breath. She didn't realize the fire between them sparked that night until later when she thought.."when was the first time I fell for this guy?" No matter who they date or how far away from each other they go. He will always be in her heart. Because she loved him. And what they had he let go. and she hoped he realized the extent of what his decision made.
She tried being nice about it, she tried crying, she tried being distracted with someone else, she tried getting mad at him, she tried telling herself he was a player and wasn't worth it, she tried not talking to you, she tried forgetting about him and what they ever had. But hes like a drug. One look at him and she was addicted. She couldn't get him out of her mind, or heart.
His eyes sparkled like the stars, his smile glowed like the sun, his heart was hidden like a rose in the winter; not visible to just anyone, but he opened it up to her, and his heart to her was like roses in the summer...now shes erased from his life. Shes stuck in a winter storm where only he can let the sun shine again in her heart. For now, shes stronger then ever. Shes holding on to the love of her Heavenly Father. Shes growing in Him. and one day, maybe one day..she won't hurt inside when she thinks of Him anymore. The truth is he has bewitched her body and soul. and she loves and loves and loves him. No matter what she does, or did. Hes always on her mind and he will never fully leave it.
Monday, November 24, 2008
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Romans 8:38-39
As she grew older she learned that life didn't have much to offer but pain. And then it was like someone had tipped her crystal ball upside down letting white snow fall down on her. It was surely something that could never be explained. She can not fathom or even use explanations to describe what this snow felt like. It opened up a whole new world for her…and the sparkle that came from the snow...began to shine through her, after she had accepted it.
She felt such love, peace, and joy from this new life. Giving her thousands of opportunities to let the world see the new life she had found. She later didn't always appreciate what she had been given, or at least like she should have. She started falling back into the quiet life and with great regret became sort of apathetic. Only caring about herself and the needs of her heart…not thinking of the snow and its true meaning.
To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance ....-Ecc. 3:1-8
Her life led her to falling for people and only caring of her feelings for them. It led her to heartache and she found herself falling at her heavenly father's feet. The crystal ball was tipped over again…and once again she saw the snow. Her life changed drastically from then on. She became serious of this future she had ahead of her. She loved the snow with all her heart…nothing could replace it. Nothing could compare to it, falling deeper and deeper in love. She began to embrace this gift and treasure it whole heartedly.
Life tried to take her back to hard places…but she always stuck with this love that is far deeper than any ocean. She fell in love with loving…she fell in love with being joyful. It never came from her…but of Him…the great perfect one. The one called "I Am."
He walked over and muttered a hello to her. She felt like it was worth a thousand words. He looks deep in her soul and feels the desire for her to tell him how she feels. He can see straight through her. He seems as if he could know her every thought or feeling. Yet why does he act as if he doesn't care for her. Why does he act as if he has gotten over her? It seems that every time he sees her it looks as if his breath was literally taken away.
She ponders these thoughts everyday. She's there for him whenever he needs her. He says she's a great friend and he's so excited to see her. She looks up at him with watery eyes, holding back the tears and emotion as best she could. The moment pauses…she looses every sense of anything around her. There eyes connect…and for the first time, he only sees her.
His heart breaks for her…he knows there is no way they can make it work so he says nothing of what he truly feels. She touches him gently on his shoulder…sending chills down his spine. The world stops moving and his heart begins to break even more for her. This time though; it's not for the feelings of her heart...but for his. She says goodbye with the saddest eyes that could break a cold stone soldier's heart and bring him to tears.
When she walked away, she let the tears fall...and for the first time she felt like everyone in the room was staring at her, she left and hid from everyone. Yet she'll never forget his face, his eyes, his smile, his laugh…and the way he looks at her when he thinks she doesn't notice. It's what made accepting his rejection even harder. For the first time ever...the girl who guarded her heart with steel is finally feeling that heart be broken.
How many students or teenagers honestly make an effort to go after their passions?
I think it's very rare to find many teenagers who have a major passion that they actually want and stick to it. All my life I've heard the phrases, "Follow your dreams," or "anything is possible." As students enter their high school years they lose those dreams and passions. Are there some rare high school students who haven't? I say yes, and maybe that's because I am one of those students.
This essay was going to start out to be about me and my passion for writing that I've had since I was eight years old, maybe even younger than that. I asked one of the teachers at school when this essay would be due. To my surprise she said, "tomorrow morning". That's when I panicked. All these thoughts were going through my head. "Oh no there's no way I can finish my story in one day." Or, "Maybe I should just give up and try again some other time." Then when I put more thought into it. I realized it's not about winning the contest. It was much more than that. All I have ever really wanted to accomplish with my writing is to touch someone's heart. I asked myself, "What would touch a teacher's heart in EHS or anywhere." Then I thought. I shouldn't be worried about it if they want to put me through or not.
I want just one person to be able to read this essay and think, "Wow, maybe she's not the most talented writer, but I really love her passion for it."
If I can get just one person to say that, then that's enough accomplishment for me. It's a great beginning to my dream at becoming a writer. Let's start at the beginning. Let's talk about my life growing up.
I grew up in a family of four. I have one sister. She's always been my inspiration for trying to do better. My parents are strict Christians who want nothing but my sister and I to grow up in a safe home, learn right from wrong, follow our dreams, and believe they can happen. Don't all parents want that for their children though? You would think so, but sadly that's not true.
Everyday I see these kids who talk about how they want to do this or that for a job. Then the next day they say, "I found out that job doesn't pay enough," or, "That job is way to hard. Maybe I should just give up."
That makes me sad, and I really don't know why anyone could give up so soon without a lot of effort. I honestly don't know where my passion for writing came from. None of my immediate or outside family members have ever had a passion to be a writer. I grew up always as a kid who loved to dream. I loved fairytale stories.I was one of those rare kids who would spend days reading. I loved being able to get inside a story and learn about someone's life and how they overcame their problems and situations.
Although I knew life wasn't all about dreams and fairytales. I sure loved to think it was. I went to a private school called
My parents would be at the dinner table trying to figure out where I was.They would come up stairs to find me typing on the computer. I would always say, "Five more minutes please." And they just laughed and said, "Will you share the money when you publish your first book?" Their encouragement just drove me to work harder, and all though it seemed like a silly dream to most people. To me it was a one in a million chance. I always said to myself, "I am going to be that one in that million."
I am not going to lie and say that I never had doubts in myself. Of course I did. I used to stop stories and start new ones and never finish the others because I thought it wasn't good enough. I also have had low self-confidence in the past. I must say though I owe all my confidence in myself to God and to my grandpa. They are my inspiration. I am a strict Christian, but I don't intend on judging anyone who isn't a Christian. I am sure you're asking, "What makes her grandpa so special?"
My grandpa has taught me more than you could imagine about what there is to know about life. I always love to go visit him. We always take long walks in the woods. We have long conversations, and he always gives me the greatest advice. I am so inspired by him because of his wisdom and inspiring character to work hard and never give up. He's the most generous guy I know and I am proud to say he has been married to my grandma for almost fifty-one years.
So there's a little about my background. The reason this dream of being a writer is so important to me. I've never wanted to do any career as much as being a writer. It's a passion that's inside me. I am ready to unleash it into the world and to show everyone how a small dream can be turned into a reality that keeps on growing.